"God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference."
 
~ Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here are just a few of the other things that I've learned:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into All Bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.  I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

I keep getting updates on how much my Social Security check will be when I retire.
I'm in deep poop.  It won't even cover my ice cream requirements.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The last time he came over, I was on the defensive. "If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

Music: A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhored by  the audience.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Relative minor: A Country & Western guitarist's girlfriend.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

You Might be a Redneck Piano Tech if You Think....

1)    "Action Spread" is something you put on a sandwich
2)    "Checking the Hammer" means to leave your weapon at the door.
3)    An "Interval" is the time between beers.
4)    "Regulating the Action" is what you're doing when you take a laxative.
5)    "Agraffe" is something you see at the zoo.
6)    A "Punching" is what you give someone you don't like.
7)    A "Bridle Strap" is something your wife wears on your wedding night.
8)    "Action Geometry" is trying to figure out the crap table odds.
9)    "A Set of Knuckles" is something you might purchase before going to a redneck club.
10)  A "Pure Fifth" is a bottle of 100 proof liquor.
11)  A "Backcheck" is something you might do from time to time in a redneck club.
12) "Butt Felt" is something you might get in a large crowd.
13) A "Butterfly Spring" is something you might see performed at a gymnastic event.
14) A "Let-off Button" is something you push so that the bus driver knows your stop is coming up.
15) A "Center Pin" is a bowling term.
16) "Bedding the Frame" is amking sure the car goes all the way to the bottom of the lake.
17) "Young Chang" is old Chang's son.
18) That "not enough dip" means that it's time for more chewing tobacco.
19) A "Whippen" is something your Daddy gave you when you were bad.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and  a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What do Ginger Baker and the coffee at Winchell's Donuts have in common?
A: They both suck without cream.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually-operated pitch approximator.
 
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's his Porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.

Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Female vocalist asks her piano player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
Pianist replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time,
then modulate to A minor in whatever time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She says, "Wouldn't that be too complicated to do without a rehearsal?"
Pianist replies, "Not really - that's how you sang it last night."

Artur Schnabel, Australian pianist, asked the secret of piano playing:
"I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play."

George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and music critic:
"Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled."

Bob Hope, American comedian, on meomedian Phyllis Diller:
"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

Johann Sebastian Bach (1685-1750):
"There's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually Me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.